POWER RANKINGS - WEEK NINE
During last weeks games we noticed an old man watching almost every single game as he walked his dog. We couldn't help but talk to him. Our conversation went something like this:
"Hi, how's it going! We noticed you watching all the games."
"Ya, my dog has IBS so I gotta walk her like 3 hours at a time so she can poop it all out. Plus she loves that turf."
"Uh. I'm not sure that.. anyways what did you think of the games?"
"Oh, I don't really know anything about soccer. Or any sports really. That is soccer they're playing right? I don't know the rules, but I think I figured them out by watching and I have my opinions. I am very good at opinions."
"Oh? do you mind sharing them with us? What's your name by the way?"
"I'm not telling you my name. Why should I? You with the government?"
[We got a little scared so we changed the subject and focused on his opinions]
So, in the spirit of inclusion, we decided to create The Common Man's Rankings. An unnamed, uninformed watcher's rankings give us the 2017 ICF Power Rankings after WEEK NINE:
1. BATES-HENDRICKS FC
These guys have got to be the best. Now I know you get more points when you get the ball in the net thing. But they also have some really strong guys protecting the net thing. Oh? It's called a goal? ok the goal. But I saw them after the game laughing and making jokes. I heard some of them joke about lowering taxes so I'm on board with that.
2. REAL WEST
Any team that wears black has to be on the top. Now, no one can be sure of this, but I'm pretty sure that you get more points if you keep the ball and do tricks. These guys did a lot of tricks. Also some of them are really fast. That counts for stuff too right, so yeah definitely #2 here.
3. OLD SPEEDWAY CITY
I think these guys got a lot of goals and running points. I saw one of their players run the whole field with the ball, it was crazy. Do the faster players go to play for Speedway? That seems sorta rigged. I might have to rethink that.
4. FC FOUNTAIN SQUARE
Red is another cool color. But I also like the one guy with the tattoos. All the best sports players have tattoos. I see it on the sports magazines all the time so these guys are probably up there. I think they also definitely get points for keeping the ball. I didn't see many tricks though. That hurt them a bit.
5. AC MILE SQUARE + MASS AVE UNITED
I have to be honest, Bessie really had a huge bowel movement, so I had to really focus on talking her through it...so I missed this game. BUT, most of the best bars in Indy are in these two neighborhoods, and it's a well known fact that soccer players live near bars. You can look it up on that tweeter thing.
7. ATLETICO COTTAGE HOME
Lots of tricks. I loved their tricks. They didn't get as many "GOALS" - that's what you call them right? GOALS. But they were fast, they did all those tricks, and they kept the ball a lot so yeah. Pretty good.
8. BROAD RIPPLE CITY
Now there are a lot of great bars in Broad Ripple, so these guys SHOULD be ranked up top. But, their color is all bright and green; I could hardly see 'em! I mean, not really like winning to me. Also, I didn't see enough tricks to be convinced. Sure they scored a lot of goals, but I think they might have lost because the other team did a lot of running and they probably got more points for that.
9. OLD NORTH UNITED + GARFIELD AC
I like Garfield Park. Great park. Bessie loves it there. These guys played against each other and it looked kinda even. Have you ever been to the Thirsty Scholar up in Old North? I'd say it's about as good as Garfield Park. So I put these guys together.
11. MERIDIAN KESSLER UNITED
My ex-wife lives in Meridian Kessler. So these guys suck. So does Donny, her new man. Wait does Donny play on this team? HEY DONNY YOU'RE NOTHING. YOU HEAR ME. NOTHING. Sorry what was I saying?
12. SPORTING HERRON MORTON
That bright orange jersey they wore was very upsetting. It reminded me of Donny's car. I mean who drives a bright orange car? A [EXPLICIT - REDACTED] THATS WHO. I think they won, so thats good for them. Maybe if they changed their jersey I'd bump them up next week.
13. WOODRUFF PLACE + UPPER DOWNTOWN
These teams were not bad at all. Good game I think. Upper Downtown had at least 5 players with beards. Thats huge. But I went to the flea market in Woodruff Place this year and I got ripped off on an antique printer cartridge. It really ticked me off. And I'm not sure where Upper Downtown is. Seems like Carmel to me. I don't like it. So yeah.
15. REAL FLETCHER PLACE
I dont like the cultural trail. It was very expensive, and whenever I ride my motorcycle on it, people get in the way and yell at me. My mind is made up.
16. MAPLETON FC
Ok yeah I saw these guys had like 20 goals and they were fast and they had tricks. BUT, I saw their captain wearing these bright pineapple print shorts. I don't approve of that kind of flashiness. He didn't even have any tattoos and the entire team was smiling all the time. That's lame.
17. MIDTOWN FC + IRVINGTON FC
I remember this game. These two teams were talking trash to each other all game. Bessie starting yelping, feeding off their energy. The ref even took out his pocketbook to take notes on trash talking. Then he showed one guy his referee membership card. The guy got real mad and left the field. Super confusing, but where I'm from you don't talk trash and get all mad. You pull up your bootstraps from the the hat hanger and you get to digging a ditch for...uh. I don't remember the saying but yeah these teams get dead last.