Indy City Futbol Goalies Struggling With Larger Nets

Halfway through the 2017 season, it has become clear that the increase in goal size has created difficulties for the least-appreciated member of each team: the Indy City Futbol goalies.

Scores have skyrocketed this year, and the extra 5 feet of scoring space on either side has caused havoc for the historically emotionally unstable players.  League complaints have increased by 103%, and the League reports 102% of those complaints have come from the netminders, all in favor of decreasing goal size.

“Of course I think smaller is always better,” said Bates-Hendricks FC keeper Sam Sluis. “That’s what my wife is always telling me, anyway."

Bates-Hendricks FC keeper Sam Sluis says smaller is always better.

Bates-Hendricks FC keeper Sam Sluis says smaller is always better.

Some keepers have been forced to take out personal loans just to keep up with the competition.

Irvington FC manager and goalie Ben Osborne bemoaned his financial effect of the change. “My therapy bills have ballooned,” said Osborne. “I’m on that couch like 3 hours a day now. Plus, I’m paying hundreds in gasoline costs just to get my legal anti-anxiety cannabis prescription in Illinois.”

The Commissioner could not be reached for comment on the League’s goal change, but was reportedly “doing research on our drug policy” on July 1 in Las Vegas, NV.